October 06, 2015

Bombay: The Two Year Milestone

I had often heard the cliché, ‘Bombay is the city of dreams’. It was probably my naïvety that made me believe in that saying with all my heart, to leave everything familiar behind, and come here.

That was two years ago. I was a different person — laying myself thin, gliding across crowds, not knowing where to go.

Life was strange at that time. I was terribly disillusioned. I thought I was never going to be where I wanted to be. Happiness was a distant unapproachable whim. Success was an unfamiliar being. Love seemed hard to come by. Whatever guise of love I had, seemed incomplete, inconsistent and never felt like it was mine. I felt like a stranger living my own life.
I would go back to that dialogue from Holiday where Arthur Abbott tells Iris — ‘In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.’
I would wonder if I was ever going to be the leading lady in my world.

With a new job, new city and a new room in a house, I had alienated myself from any semblance of home.

Time lessened the harsh realities of the city. I figured the meaning of ‘acclimatization’ within two months of living here. No more shudder at the traffic and no complaints on the incorrigible honking escaped me. I was institutionalized by Bombay.
However, a nagging loneliness persisted throughout 2013, accentuated by my move to Bombay. One of the main reasons for this was the death of my paternal grandfather — the one who made me fall in love with the English language and that way, gave me my wings. Drowning it all in keeping myself busy with the exciting work and partying with friends, I let Bombay envelop me.

The year passed by like the tides. I knew 2014 had to be better. The first few months flew by in a haze of self doubt, confusion and simply going with the flow. I stopped resisting life, I just aimlessly wandered on its path, not knowing what it was leading to.

Little did I know, that this was what I should always have done. What awaited me was still a crazy ride, but it got better. The soul cobwebs cleared slowly when I began to fall in love with the most amazing human being I have ever met. In him, I found a spirit I could recognize, a soul that reflected my own aspirations, and a person who was capable of so much love and acceptance. I began to heal in his comforting presence.
I found a new job. Let me rephrase, I found a job in the company of my dreams! But it went downhill, turning more into a nightmare. I wasn’t doing anything related to what I wanted to. I was stuck for long hours working on reality television and random odd duties that left me crying to sleep. When the time came and I realized this was not how I could continue, I quit.
Within a week, I had two freelance jobs that could hold me steady. Within a month, I felt like I did the right thing with my free fall. Mind you, I am still struggling with concepts of time management, writing that book I started two years ago, and the like. But what I have is priceless — the luxury of time, of doing work that I love, and having love by my side.
I used to be frightened that my life will never get okay, and that I will be a lost soul. But I took a leap of faith — in life, in myself, in my family and friends who loved me throughout, and in the powers that I constantly sense around. And two years later from that fateful day, I am so glad I kept going with the flow, fighting even when I wanted to flop down and settle for a lesser happiness.

And today, I finally feel like the leading lady of my own story.


Manasa said...

I know how you feel :) Well written!

Sandhya Ramachandran said...

Thank you Manasa! Glad to find a kindred spirit :)

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