The journey...

A deep philosopher has lifted its head within me. Right now the only quest in me is to find myself. In all that has happened over 21 years, I still cannot completely describe myself. Although many may claim, it is too early for introspection, I believe it is never too early and never too late for any form of deep thought and analysis about oneself!

I've been analyzing and also attempting to practice detached-attachment from everything. This detached-attachment is a very reciprocating kind of attachment. You are there for people when they need them(only if and when you have time, that too) and if they seem to be fine without you, let them be.

Analyze, reduce impulsiveness, think twice, talk less- these are a few of the many hard-to-achieve targets I've set myself. It is not so easy, really, for a person who has been absolutely impulsive, over-affectionate and the like. This is a conscious self-driven movement.

Things around you tire you so much with the cruelty of it that it is always nice to equip yourself with skills to face it. Mental toughness is something that one has to develop- so much more as a defense mechanism rather than a post-grief development.

I feel so much lighter in the heart and head and things seem so much easier to face when certain truths are accepted. I would anytime take a full stop rather than an uncertain comma-or worse an enigmatic semi-colons. After repeated commas and semi-colon, the space and paragraphs that I let people write in my life, I've finally put an end to that chapter of my life with a solid full stop.

It is still not so easy to deal with the empty pages of that particular chapter after the full stop. The place where grief rises within you-somewhere near the pit of the stomach and just below the heart- a place that has anatomically not named- feels empty to see the full stop.

But it is nice to see that I did not let the semi-colons to rule the roost and go on torturing me with the cruelty of its perplexed state. And these semi-colons were present in EVERY walk of my life. And I've slowly, but surely made everyone around, understand the full stops I've etched. FINALLY people notice that I am sensible and independent enough to make decisions and to be trusted with my life.

Sensible me still has fun, although I sound dead serious. Practically-rooted new-me is still the same die-hard optimist, dreamer and the person who loves people the same old way. She is more careful with her actions for her own good. That's all.

And somewhere, I've never loved being me any other time more than now.

It is wonderful to be alive, really! :)

Here, there, everywhere...

Self-motivation is just about the most difficult thing to achieve. And my thesis seems to be SOLELY motivated by the self! : | I haven't had even one sitting with this supposedly fantastic thesis advisor we've got. Just my luck, like I always say!

Been drifting here there everywhere with work and assignments. I've become what they term in Hindi as a 'Bhataktha hua insaan', in every sense of the word! Roaming the streets for case study, interviews, permissions, blah-on and blah-forth!

FINALLY(imagine a long-drawn sigh while you read the word), I successfully finished all three case studies! Now for the assignments to get over and the case study sheets to be made!

Work never gets complete, does it?! *rolls eyes

I wish for a nice holiday somewhere with family right now. But till April, I don't think I even have the freedom or a moment to sit down and chalk out any kind of dream holiday, even.

I plan to start out writing what I've always wanted to make into a novel. The success of my short film made me realize that the story(which was part of this novel, I was writing. Ha! I dream big, don't I?! ) really had in it what I thought only I felt. People did see it and they seemed to like it in the same way! And this belief in my story is what is propeeling me to take my pen again.

Honestly, I'm tired of typing my writing out. There really should be means in which as I write my text on paper, it should get typed automatically on the computer. No DTP, no retyping, nothing doing!

Life's interesting, I must say. New things and new confidence have besieged my existence. Thankfully, the last year equipped me with so much life skills and patience that I'm taking it all in a way that gives me a credit for improvement.

Of course, I see in myself a horribly selfish person with the most severe of I-don't-care attitudes most of the times, interspersed with short-term bouts of compassion and generosity. But well, it makes living life a lot easier and for now, until and unless my B.Arch gets over and done with, THIS is how I'm going to be.

People drift in and out of my life these days. I am not complaining. I have found such an immense wealth of inner happiness that, honestly, I don't give a damn anymore. But when people come and treat me well, I treat them in my own usual treble-measure of niceness in return! And somewhere the deal is fair and square. WYSIWYG- What you see is what you get- a concept that I don't remember as a computer terminology anymore, but more so as a philosophical dogma. Of course, there is the usual trustworthy loyal small bunches of people that unfailingly cushion me up and make me feel as snug as a bug in a rug! :)

Well well... as the unpredictability of life continues, I go ahead- a stronger and better person, with heaps of scope for improvement- letting everything wash over her. Yes, the tsunami's coming. But I am a deep rooted tree- as deep as the ocean from whence the water emerges forth. I shall be drenched- but not down!

Glass bangles

 

Circles of glass, like prisms, burst into Colours-brilliant bright

Like a woman’s fluttering eyelashes looking up to her beloved

For that split second of contact with the sunlight!

There are days...

Yeah.. there are some days when you KNOW your blog will make you smile happily. Like now. I don't really have anything particular to write about. I mean there are heaps of stuff I COULD write about. But it is, as is wont to happen, pretty difficult to word things as random as randomness! :P

I really badly need a relaxing break- no phones, no computers(or occasional indulgence to it) and a trip to some untrod land! I think I'm getting one soon. But ah well... I'm going for a case study. So it is not really relaxing!

Whatever! Painting is such a relaxing art, really. These days I paint so much and it's like the best stress-buster for me.

well, I really lost track of what I was about to say! :P

and so I'd rather not blabber any more.

God.. this was SOOO random! :P

A kindly note to God

 

When I declared that 2008 was by far the best year of my life, it was meant to be a thank you to you. Not any indication to make 2009 miserable from start.

When I keep screaming out in happiness declaring there couldn't be a more contended girl in life, it really doesn't mean you need to make me discontent.

I am being appreciative of you here. And when I say 'Life couldn't be better', maybe I'm overlooking the one million troubles you actually put me through and be magnanimous enough to look at the bright side.

Kindly understand, God, that I'm also trying to be nice to you, putting up with all your whims and fancies and DESPITE everything, appreciating you and your given life to the fullest AND spreading the cheer.

You better keep this in mind and be a little less cruel to me.

2009 couldn't have begun more horribly.

R.I.P. Jaymala Ma'am... We're really sad to lose you!

And to everything else that already seems so screwed up, please get better. I'm a die hard optimist. I genuinely try to make people happy. But honestly, if you are going to make me as moody and as crabby as you've already made me today, God, I swear I'm not gonna be any better at my universal cheerleading. In fact, I'm afraid, I'm gonna screw up the whole work and make myself and the world around me more miserable. Unfortunately, dear God, just as how you have given me the power to spread the cheer, you've also given me the power to seep in depression. Kindly, I beg you, don't force me to do that by making me so crabby!

It is a new year and it is not like I have high hopes of it. All I asked you even yesterday was to just sail me through everything the same way as you did through 2008. But one day into this year and I'm feeling awfully lonely, cruelly crushed and scared like a cat-chased-mouse!

This is my S.O.S.

Don't make things worse! And give me my flicker of hope so I can hold it like a beacon for the rest of the world. I genuinely wanna make this place better. But first, don't snatch off my trust and hope..

I still love you, God!