Observations

Sometimes, when there is so much work to be completed, when deadlines loom large, a sudden urge sprouts and pulls you back and makes you want to go crawling to that earlier self.

The self that wrote reams and reams of trish-trash as it called its writing!

The pen seems so alien sometimes what with cameras and lightmeters and reflectors replacing the soft touch of a plastic...sometime metal body on the fingers, gently carving out lines with deep black ink on to a stark white surface.

Time here, has bribed hands that work the clock, to move quicker than it ought to! The only writing I manage to do is when some random thought seizes my entire being and paralyzes me for oh-but-just-a-moment. And the only writing I DO is to quickly type it down on the 'Notes' folder on my cellphone(which, for the record, has been named 'midget')

I miss the time I used to steal off for myself back in the past. Two months into this place, I'm living life like never before, finding people, carving space, exploring, discovering, scared, happy, annoyed, lonely, ecstatic- everything! But me-time is almost reduced to nothingness and today happens to be one of those super-rare occasions of a few 'blissful just-me hours'.

Apart from the teensy-weensy promos I made, which were mere explorations at stop-motion animation, I explored and read blogs of a few of my seniors here at NID. Somewhere down the line, I'd let myself forget how much I looked forward to this wonderful place. Aided by what happened the week before and a strong bout of homesickness, I almost stopped appreciating the beautiful fact that I'm actually leading the life-of-my-dreams!!!

Their blogs reminded me of the kind of work that we are encouraged to do here and suddenly I realized that my own voice has grown stronger over the past two months. I've explored more of my life, learnt so much, doing things I've never done before and slowly getting to know more about myself!

This is just a thank you note to the fellow NID junta whose blogs I hopped over today(Mini, Shreyas, Arpit, Kaveri,Kaveri's Art blog, Kabini, Reddy, Abhimanyu) and the cosmos out there to have revived what I almost let lie dormant!

The jealous goddess shall be served at her altar more regularly! The writing shall keep coming!

*happy kid-like grins*

:D

Never gone!

Dear Cumbum thatha

You'll never be gone for me. I can still hear echoes of your voice calling out to me. I don't really comprehend where you've gone or how I can never see or hear or hold your hand again. These are emotions I am not familiar with.

This is the first time someone from my immediate family is leaving me. I never thought it would be almost like a near-death experience in itself. I can't understand why, how or what the purpose of everything is anymore. It just seems so weird.

I'm numb sometimes, crying my heart out at others, and at other times, I can't believe I still do normal things- like brush my teeth, have a bath and eat. I can't believe that we can still continue with our lives so, when you are gone.

I can never see you again! I can't believe we wont have our mock-fights. That you'll never force me, verbally, to eat curd. I wish you lived, with complete health, to see me make something out of my life.

But your health failed, you became frail. I guess somewhere the family expected that in a few months or years, you would leave us forever.  But nothing prepared me for that call in the morning. I couldn't understand it. That was the strangest news I've ever heard.

Cumbum thatha, who will I talk to fondly, about our dear town- Cumbum? Who'll I bug to quit smoking?

I wish you had good health and didn't suffer so much. I wish I could have done something, anything to make you have some wonderful months before you had left us.

But I hope now, like they say happens once people die, you've been released of all pains and illness and are once more the strong man I greatly admire.

I wish I had told you how much I admire your strength! Your life fascinated me and your struggle reminds me that I need to be strong now, more than ever.  I need to fight it out and pull through, for myself and for you. To make you proud of me, wherever you are.

I wish I could hold your hand and tell you we will always love you. You are a wonderful person and will remain so forever. I just hope you have been able to forget the last few months of pain and confusion.

I shall always remember you by the way you called us 'konde', that lovely voice on the phone telling me a 'hello', all your friendly back-slapping, those numerous card games we played, your amazing cooking, your infinite love for all of us and a million things more.

You are never gone for me, Cumbum thatha. Death will only bring you closer to me. Be by my side always. I love you.

Sandhya