Never gone!

Dear Cumbum thatha

You'll never be gone for me. I can still hear echoes of your voice calling out to me. I don't really comprehend where you've gone or how I can never see or hear or hold your hand again. These are emotions I am not familiar with.

This is the first time someone from my immediate family is leaving me. I never thought it would be almost like a near-death experience in itself. I can't understand why, how or what the purpose of everything is anymore. It just seems so weird.

I'm numb sometimes, crying my heart out at others, and at other times, I can't believe I still do normal things- like brush my teeth, have a bath and eat. I can't believe that we can still continue with our lives so, when you are gone.

I can never see you again! I can't believe we wont have our mock-fights. That you'll never force me, verbally, to eat curd. I wish you lived, with complete health, to see me make something out of my life.

But your health failed, you became frail. I guess somewhere the family expected that in a few months or years, you would leave us forever.  But nothing prepared me for that call in the morning. I couldn't understand it. That was the strangest news I've ever heard.

Cumbum thatha, who will I talk to fondly, about our dear town- Cumbum? Who'll I bug to quit smoking?

I wish you had good health and didn't suffer so much. I wish I could have done something, anything to make you have some wonderful months before you had left us.

But I hope now, like they say happens once people die, you've been released of all pains and illness and are once more the strong man I greatly admire.

I wish I had told you how much I admire your strength! Your life fascinated me and your struggle reminds me that I need to be strong now, more than ever.  I need to fight it out and pull through, for myself and for you. To make you proud of me, wherever you are.

I wish I could hold your hand and tell you we will always love you. You are a wonderful person and will remain so forever. I just hope you have been able to forget the last few months of pain and confusion.

I shall always remember you by the way you called us 'konde', that lovely voice on the phone telling me a 'hello', all your friendly back-slapping, those numerous card games we played, your amazing cooking, your infinite love for all of us and a million things more.

You are never gone for me, Cumbum thatha. Death will only bring you closer to me. Be by my side always. I love you.

Sandhya