November 28, 2005


I’ve always wanted a brother. An elder brother who’d always be around, teasing me, pulling my pigtails, slapping me hard on my back ‘just for the heck of it’ and putting that sturdy arm around me during my grief.

I don’t have a first cousin elder brother also! Hence I adopted (or I was adopted sister) a lot of brothers and they seem to fill almost 75% of that void that’s in my heart… Thanks all of you… Rahul, Murali, Immesh, Arvind, Shayilu, Vishaul, Rajesh…

Being the eldest in the family can be quite a pain. You have to set an example and be all proper and obedient- something which I try earnestly to be, but fail miserably many a time! My wish for a brother grew only then, when I wished for someone older than me in my house. My cousin who lived next street filled the slot of elder sister. SO what I sorely required was an impossibility called elder brother!

My mother remarks that every girl without a brother goes through this ‘I wish I had a brother’ phase which fades in an year or two. Seems to not hold true in my case since I’ve wanted one for the past 7 years… An ardent wish ever since I chanced to buy ‘Doli Sajaa Ke Rakhna’ for being an A.R.Rahman’s work.

Every time ‘Jhoola Baahon ka’ plays, I fight that deep ache in my heart. I LOVE that song. It has always meant something special.
Those lines…

‘Moti hoon main, in aankhon ka…
Phool hoon inke bhaag ka…’

Happen to be one of those I passionately love! Since then I’ve loved Raksha bandhan and Kaarthigai on par with my favourite Deepavali.

Wish I had an elder brother…

I’ve a dream brother and mad me’s written a loving letter to him one raksha bandhan day. I named him Shishir but I call him ‘brother’. Not anna or bhaiyya.

I sorely am in need of his protective shoulder these days. Dunno if it’s just ‘teen trouble’ or some psychotic disorder, but I keep going into these depressions. Feeling all insecure about everything. Scared…shit scared that I hug ‘Bobby a.k.a Hillary’- my life-size stuffed dog (named after two of my favourite characters from Enid Blyton’s classic-Mallory Towers)

Brother… I wish you were real… I see so many parts of you in all my adopted brothers. Just wish that one/all of them were really my own… living with me, knowing me wholly, guiding me and telling me that I’m ‘not such an awful girl after all!’


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