April 23, 2013

Existence is a pain, sometimes!

This is that phase in life where I am neurotic, annoying and will keep blogging every excuse I get. For there is nowhere else to rant and no human needs to hear my incessant drivel(no one would want to, either!).

Every little thing is getting on my nerves. And by that I man EVERY LITTLE THING(to use an old phrase of mine- read that in Font size infinity in bold). From the BSNL fellow who has still not managed to provide us a decent modem, to my terrible mood swings, the constant need to cook-clean, cook-clean cook-clean, the rising costs of my existence, living by oneself, not finding comfort food of my liking in this city, lack of filter coffee, the heat, and oh so much more. Where do I even begin?

I probably sound like a wimp who cannot face life's little adversities and is sitting in a corner rocking in fetal position. But no, I am being strong. As strong as my mortal self allows. And I am losing patience with things.

How many times will such icky phases come by in life? And how much more patience do I need to display and keep repeating "this too shall pass"? Why should it pass? Why can't some good things stay? Why can't good things be mine?

Random irritated musings, these. At 26, I thought I'd have a better control at life. It is brilliant that I am doing exactly as I please. But it is not easy. NEVER easy to tread a path that is true to oneself. It is probably easier to cave in than decide to fight for what you believe is right. WHY did I have to be the second type of person, I wonder sometimes.

Is it really worth it- all this struggle, these denials? And what if late in my life I realize I should have stuck to my corporate job however lonely it was getting and just pile up the cash? What if later in my life I sit and regret things said, people left behind? Will it be hard?

Too much philosophizing is not helping either.

Keep me busy, keep me busy, so I don't have to think. Keep me busy, so I don't have to contemplate and torture myself further with the if-onlys and the may-have-beens.

Right now, everyday chores are depressing me and weighing upon my soul. Random internet-waala is causing mood swings. My lack of luck is making me believe I might be jinxed!

I miss being that insanely cheerful the relentless optimist terribly! May there be a time somewhere in the future (hopefully closer than I can think. Right now this point seems like never ever!), where I shall find my rose-tinted glasses again. I want to, you know! I want to believe in things, in magic, in life, in doing the right thing.

Here's to willing, wishing, hoping and praying to find The Dreamy Dryad back!


vivek sheth said...

You Shall soon!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Take a break for a holiday in singapore.Maybe you will unwind and feel better?

Sandhya Ramachandran said...


I am guessing it is you, Shreeram Anna! :)

Soon as I make enough money, I shall! Thank you for still reading my blog. It means a lot!

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Maira Gall