May 18, 2010

Random Jabberings

I have come to realize, over time, that there are a precious few people and things that stay with you forever. And by forever, I mean an illusion of a really extended period of time over which these people and things almost become a permanent fixture of your already short lifespans.

If there's one thing that scares me, it has been separation- from people and things. But life is washing over me with its astronomical strength that I have had nothing but to accept certain separations- from home, from friends, from people, from things with equanimity.

I'm being forced to not think of what-may-have-beens and concentrate just in appreciating the what-have-beens and what-is. It is hard. VERY hard to accept things and life as it comes. I almost wonder how generations have survived this, and this very same thought is what motivates me to reconcile to situations and accept whatever that causes a tremor in me.

Time slips away through my fingers like fine dust. I feel like I just left home, biting back tears and not showing even an iota of all the tension that was mounting within me, and now I'm almost near entering my second year!

SO MUCH has happened. So much has been learned and unlearned in the pages of this one year. I must say, I've emerged stronger, and maybe a tad wiser. Sometimes I wonder, why we accumulate all the strength and all the wisdom? Something always proves what you have wrong!

Probably there have been lessons I've learnt that have only lent more credibility to whatever person I've always been, and some others that have made me proud of my good upbringing. There have also been lessons learnt that have smarted my ego, told me not to be so impulsive and naive and oh-so-trusting.

In a world of confusion, somedays, my clarity of thought drives me crazy. I am always so sure of exactly what I want. It annoys me when people don't see the point of my actions when it stares so clearly at me. I've learnt to accept people for what they are. It is easier to forgive and forget this way.

People- they still continue to fascinate me. Their actions still scare, strangulate, surprise and soothe me. It takes all kinds of people to make the world, alright!

My first year in NID has been a beautiful learning experience. But soon as the academic year was over, I couldn't wait to get back home. I needed my old things that belonged to me. My space! My heart is slowly pacing up at the thought of leaving all the happiness of home.

Home has come rushing to me, or rather, I came rushing back home, at a time when I couldn't bear to stay a minute longer away from it. When I wanted the comfort of the familiar, when I wanted reassurance and support and just simple happiness of honest and pure love of family and friends.

And today, when I sat with not a care in the world, forgetting all the bitterness of growing up (which is not turning out to be as simple as I once imagined, nor as honest, direct and truthful an experience), I realized that home has come as a balm to me, preparing me for the challenges that await when I go back to fight my battles alone. Friends there are, and family too, to support me even there, and I feel blessed to have both. But well, this time the battles are going to be tougher, the challenges more intense.

There is still a voyage of self-discovery left for me, and I've barely begun. Scary, yes, but I'm willing to take it so I make mistakes far less than I have. With a few regrets and holding strong to all the strength and happiness, I shall keep rowing.


P.S.: Just some random jabberings!

2 comments

AJai said...

Hi! First time here. Nice post. But I'm not sure I agree with you. It differs from person to person. I love change. If I'm in one place for too long I don't like it too much. And you know sometimes when you get used to ppl/things you take them for granted. But when you are away and you miss them so much. I think you realize the value of things only when you move away. My take atleast. :)

Vinod R Iyer said...

Keep rowing you shuold. May be your co sailors will keep coming back to you. May be they wont. But the sail should be memorable :)

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