April 09, 2009

Where am I going?

I've no idea where I'm heading in life. Here and there, i see hope and faith and some self-encouragement driving me onwards in this vague path. But more often, it is loneliness and fear that walk beside me.

I wonder for how much longer this uncertainty is going to be. Yeah, I'm sure there are people with worse lives, darker futures and all. But at the moment, I'm so selfishly coiled that I can't quite think of the rest of the world.

I need some light in the future. I don't care about anything but I really really want to do some work that is meaningful to me. I feel like I've barely done anything in the 22 years of my existence. I really hope I don't turn out to be a failure.

I do wish sometimes, due to all the self-imposed pressure for success and society imposed pressure to prove my worth, that I'd been born a dumb girl! Now really! It makes life a lot easier. Some guy would have fallen for me for sure(as they generally hate the intelligent-independent kinds as a rule), I would have batted my eyelashes and I'd have been married with a kid on the way or some such thing.

But I HATE that. And I am so independent(or atleast wanting to be). I'm a bright kid and I so want to make my life and not settle down for just anybody or just anything.

Sometimes ambition is the very thing that brings you down. Like today- I can't settle down for anything but the best out there. I work so hard, I better get what I deserve- is what I tell myself.

But honestly, i have no idea where anything is going. I'm so confused. I know EXACTLY what I want. But no matter how hard I try, fate plays spoilsport and makes situations so un-conducive for it to be mine.

I'm scared that might happen once more. And only I KNOW how important what's ahead is for me. I just hope and pray that I get it.

I wish some light is thrown in soon. I know I've had a much better and blessed life than say a few million other people. And I'm really genuinely thankful for all that.

I just wish I get this course I am asking for so sincerely. Honestly, it's not much and I'm not undeserving either.

Please God, or whoever it is that decides things for me, please make me get this. It matters a whole lot. And it is really not nice to torture a person so much. There's only so much a person can take. and I'm nearing my saturation point.


Nautankey said...

All the best..and let me assure you this is the kinda situation you are gonna find urself often in the future :)

Vyazz said...

Aaahhh..one of life's many dilemmas. One of the things I hate is making decisions. But I guess one can never be free of them. Being a final year medical student, I hevent a clue so as to what field of speciality I wanna go into.
Hang in there!!...It'll come to u!!!

Chicky said...

LOL @ "it is really not nice to torture a person so much. There's only so much a person can take. and I'm nearing my saturation point."

That's exactly how I've been feeling towards God lately... I'm beginning to think He might be a Sadist after all! :-p

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Maira Gall