A deep philosopher has lifted its head within me. Right now the only quest in me is to find myself. In all that has happened over 21 years, I still cannot completely describe myself. Although many may claim, it is too early for introspection, I believe it is never too early and never too late for any form of deep thought and analysis about oneself!
I've been analyzing and also attempting to practice detached-attachment from everything. This detached-attachment is a very reciprocating kind of attachment. You are there for people when they need them(only if and when you have time, that too) and if they seem to be fine without you, let them be.
Analyze, reduce impulsiveness, think twice, talk less- these are a few of the many hard-to-achieve targets I've set myself. It is not so easy, really, for a person who has been absolutely impulsive, over-affectionate and the like. This is a conscious self-driven movement.
Things around you tire you so much with the cruelty of it that it is always nice to equip yourself with skills to face it. Mental toughness is something that one has to develop- so much more as a defense mechanism rather than a post-grief development.
I feel so much lighter in the heart and head and things seem so much easier to face when certain truths are accepted. I would anytime take a full stop rather than an uncertain comma-or worse an enigmatic semi-colons. After repeated commas and semi-colon, the space and paragraphs that I let people write in my life, I've finally put an end to that chapter of my life with a solid full stop.
It is still not so easy to deal with the empty pages of that particular chapter after the full stop. The place where grief rises within you-somewhere near the pit of the stomach and just below the heart- a place that has anatomically not named- feels empty to see the full stop.
But it is nice to see that I did not let the semi-colons to rule the roost and go on torturing me with the cruelty of its perplexed state. And these semi-colons were present in EVERY walk of my life. And I've slowly, but surely made everyone around, understand the full stops I've etched. FINALLY people notice that I am sensible and independent enough to make decisions and to be trusted with my life.
Sensible me still has fun, although I sound dead serious. Practically-rooted new-me is still the same die-hard optimist, dreamer and the person who loves people the same old way. She is more careful with her actions for her own good. That's all.
And somewhere, I've never loved being me any other time more than now.
It is wonderful to be alive, really! :)